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When You Were Young You Shone Like The Sun
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| a cry for help....*crys for help* |
[02 Jul 2005|03:06am] |
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Guys, I am going to need you a lot of you in the next couple days, because I think I just had one of my first, or one of my first panic attacks. Wow, I just had some horrible thoughts too. It's not just Malone, it really is only a part of it. It has been building all Summer and all week. Its gettting older, its going away for good, its being all alone and my family.. its mostly malone and getting older i guess, if i am being honest. I really just had some horrible horrible thoughts and flashbacks about just not going on. just ending it all. I know everyone has these thoughts and stuff, but I acted on them in 9th grade in pure teen angst style (taking pills). I just need to get though this like I got through that, a bit of laughter and a whole lot of thinking. So guys, I just wanted you to know what was going on with me, you don't have to say anything, just be there for me to talk to like you always are.
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| So It goes that i write a letter and plan to mail it asap. |
[02 Jul 2005|02:44am] |
Dear Ryan,
This letter does not require any sort of retort or response. You probably will throw it away as soon as you see it. However I would just like to say a few things, in a small defense of myself. Alright, I knew being “friends” or just talking kindly probably wouldn’t work from the start, but you know I really liked the time we had, so I guess I was so eager to have whatever I could get. That was a mistake. I really just couldn’t let it go. I think what you are so worked up about is me talking to Caroline, I only did it on suggestion from Nikki, who had talked with her at Senior week and was curious about us, very curious actually. Nikki said she was a nice girl and that I should talk to her. So I tried in the most causal way possible. If the girl wants to know and your not telling her, I mean I really don’t know what happened but I could do my best to tell her. Yea, I was pretty fucked up then, I don’t know what happened. I actually just recently let it go , completely!! I stopped talking to you because you only talked to me in a cold manner, then I finally am coming to Towson and want to tell you that so I can get my movie, and you go nuts. For anything its worth, I know I played games and I am sorry it was really childish and stupid. Anyway, I just wanted to clear that up so my romantic illusion of whatever we had could remain intact. I know its over, so you don’t have to respond. Now I will shut the fuck up forever and definitely leave you alone.
- Kelly
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| Ok so this is how it FINALLLY ENDS! ..I think ... |
[02 Jul 2005|02:17am] |
Well, Carmen and I had a kick ass night driving around pikesville in our temple clothes. And then we watched the rest of Ghost World (sorry conor, we can watch the rest tommorow agsin if ya want). Bobby and I had a great night. I talked to him about some things and he offered to take me out to towson tommorow and get some lunch ..hoorah a semi-date. Then we had some good sessions. Jeez. He's such a cutie Summery Boo. I was feeling delicious and wanted to see if Carmen was online, but she wasn't but Jon ims me and we talk for a bit, and then I im Malone ( i unblocked him so I could tell him I was going to be in Towson and wanted my FUCKING MOVIE!!) anyway. I say "Hey, How've Ya Been?" and he tells me to shut the fuck up and listen to what he has to say. He says this
: s IrM: i hate you and your fucking sick games, you couldnt just let it go and now you have pissed everyone off. Your a liar and a hypocrit and i fucking hope everything that could go wrong for you, does.
Paddeous IrM: dont bother me
and signs off/ blocks me.
Wow. so thats how it finally ends and I was just finally glad to have it behind me. And you know i am actually so cold hearted about it now, I don't even care. Its just what happened. I guess he thinks I am some pyscho who is still in love with him LOL. what an egotistical baztid. And I told jon all about it and possible reasons, the whole me getting in contact with Caroline prob. (but Nikki told me she really wanted to know...w/e i guess I will just stop listening to her). Jon said he finally hung out with him again yesterday and malone said "i wish we weren't sober" and pulled out a doobie from his pocket, so he's back to smoking . All the sweetness I had with him is now completely bitter , all he had to do was get me my fucking dvd, that i left there after he fucked me over spring break. I will look on the times fondly ...maybe. But for now I have my bobby and we are having a good fuckin' time. I am leaving Ryan Malone in the dust. Along with Grimes and Christian. One day he will just be a name, actually he already is, he's just an idea.
GOSH i can't wait till I get to New Jersey. !!! it can't come soon enough.
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| Lords Of Pigtown |
[30 Jun 2005|05:13pm] |
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music |
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Take A Walk On The Wild Side - Lou Reed |
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I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. It grew heavier with every crack in the pavement. This should be your life. Some where in between Hollins Market and Arab Stables, every little part of me clicked into place. This is what I was meant to do. Help the poverty stricken areas of this city, not just any city, but Baltimore city.
I feel it to the extent of almost paralyisis.
There is no summer like the summers of Southwest Baltimore. The heat seems to grow in the people's eyes. Sister Kitty called them the people of the vaccant eyes, but never talks down to them. We are all ONLY human. The tour of Southwest Baltimore was incredible, and to have the things explained.
I felt bad that I hadn't gone earlier in the week. There will be more I am sure and I plan to hunt them down.
This has been one of the most important days of summer.
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[29 Jun 2005|02:08pm] |
HEY ...
wanna go see War of the Worlds at the Senator???
Be here 6:30-7 OR meet us at the senator for the 8'o clock show.
leave a comment to rsvp
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| Take A Walk On the Wild Side |
[28 Jun 2005|04:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Take A Walk On the Wild Side |
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Well, I hung out with Nikki and Sam today (we went to the library!) I made them watch United States of Leland. I don't know if they liked it. Nikki told me that she met malone and his gf Caroline at senior week and that she asked about me. Nikki said she was really nice etc. So I decided to send her a message on myspace, just telling her what my screenname was, if she wanted to talk about anything. I think that was the right thing to do. I think I am up for it... I hope I am. I wonder if I should tell her that he cheated on her with me during spring break. I will figure it all out I guess. Bobby was supposed to come over, but he was an hour late, and i found out that he thought it was going to rain and his drivers side window is broken so he didn't come over. I told him to figure something out to cover it or something and then call me back, so we will see I guess. I am feeling really wierd today.
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| He wore his passion for his woman like a thorny crown |
[28 Jun 2005|01:04am] |
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music |
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The Smiths/Paul Simon/Belle and Sebastian |
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It's been an interesting hour, but before I write about it, I got to get it all straightened out in my mind. I guess I will talk about other things before I can wrap my head around more reccent events.
- Kaitlin's party rocked my socks. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. (you rock homegirl, I hope shepard goes ok!!)
- The plan for today was that I was going to hang out with Nikki and Sam (prob. go swimming). But it just ended up Conor, Carmen and I driving to various libraries in the Baltimore County area and watching movies. *note to self*(Arbutus library is sketchy in its placement).
- Watched : - Liberty Heights, which is a deccent movie, the best part of it is knowing the places where the action is unfolding.
- P.S. *should be called Laura Linney is a LOSER* : A bit of a crap movie, but it taught us viewers a few valuable lessons, that were rather neeeded at this point in time. Stuff about letting go of loves/lusts from High School... unless you want to be a crazy loser divorcee at 39 like Laura Linney's character.
- part of the Aviator : which so far is brillant and not just because Rufus Wainwright has a cameo and Jude Law has the best cameo of ALL Time (well 2nd maybe after Ben Stiller in Empire of the Sun).
- The Daily Show keeps impressing me more and more. The interview with Howard Dean is key, Jon Stewart asks the questions that needed to be asked (if only the daily show wasn't just preaching to the choir...).
- Ok anyway after the daily show (the second one) I was about ready to go to bed, just thinking over what i was going to do tommorow and how i was going to fix the horror that is my skin. When I heard a rock or something hit my window. I was like WTF. then there was another and another. I thought it was sparse hail or some pyscho killer so I went downstairs to turn on the front porch light to make any hooligans run off or w/e. But it turned out to be Bobby (at the time I thought that my heart was going to melt, I am a sucker for old skool romance). It turned out that he was pretty drunk. He was drunk to the point of feeling sick. I gave him some water and rubbed his back and I invited him to hang out in the mudroom bathroom (ya know just in case). I just talked and gave him water and just rubbed his back. He appoligized for coming over like that..in that state. but i really didn't mind, I just wanted him to feel better. I thought about my previous drunken take care of sessions (with a certain irishman), but i realized how different I was now, changed for the better. It wasn't that big of a deal to me that I was doing it, I wasn't degrading poor Bobby or really disapproving. Its a slippery slope when it comes to being worried vs. disapproving. Apparently he was even the one doing all the driving tonight. I like boys who bring out my wild and free side (and trust me there is one), but there's really such a problem with managing freedom with responsiblity to oneself and ones friends. I really didn't want him to drive, but when he finally could stand and walk in a relatively straight line, and said he was better, he went off. I am HOPING with all my heart that he gets home ok, I would never forgive myself. When he left I felt myself begin to tear up, almost to the point of a full on cry. I just thought about how much better I had been with Bobby then with Malone (a sign of maturity I can only assume/learning from mistakes). I also noticed that my hostility towards sick/weak people (which is usually so overpowering it causes me to loathe someone for having a tummy ache), was gone (hopefully it is gone for good). I thought about my life in the future...all the other drunk hooligans i would probably date, and marry finally become married to the town drunk (and do it gladly), it was such an overreaction, but thats the way my mind went. I really surprised myself tonight. Its nice to be needed in such a frank and open manner, but the feeling of being needed wouldn't surpass the feeling of having bobby ok agian (at least i hope i am not that messed up). Its still such a small event to make me think so much. *still thinking* ... well lets see what tommorow brings.
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| Tagged by Kait |
[26 Jun 2005|11:49am] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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"List 6 of your favourite songs and then select 6 people to pass this on to."
1. Take A Walk On the Wild Side - Lou Reed
2. Sugar Magnolia - The Grateful Dead
3. Beautiful - Belle and Sebastian
4. I Get High With A Little Help From My Friends - The Beatles
5. Cocaine - Eric Clapton
6. Maps - The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
passed to whoever wants too.
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| She lay all night watching the colours change |
[25 Jun 2005|07:31pm] |
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music |
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Beautiful - Belle and Sebastian |
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So many people have brought up the topic of going away and college reccently and I haven't really posted my feelings about it yet. I am so conflicted about the whole thing. I am someone who settles or is comfortable almost anywhere. I just sort of feel at home anywhere I learned that about myself last year. I have known forever that I am happier the more independence and freedom I have. I wanted to leave home on my third birthday, I managed to fly the coup last year and had a blast. So I should on paper be all set for the best time of my life in college, freedom, new people, independence, partying...all of my favourite things. But I don't think this is the whole picture. I will miss Conor and Carmen prob. more then I will miss anything or anyone else. One may say that things won't change and we won't ourselves grow apart, but I a bit too pragmatic for all that. I think college is an experience that changes you, even if you don't want to, you get new interests, almost a whole new life, sure I will stick click with my other two amigos on that basic level (to use carmen's phrase), but I think things will be different (i know i have felt that way before) they always are when you live a life apart. I actually am hoping I come out somehow changed (hopefully for the better) from St.Mary's.
My Hopes :
- I meet new people
- I meet many boys
- I meet many boys who are interested in me.
- I say intellegent things in class.
- I throw kick ass parties
My Fears:
- I become a loner
- I become a workaholic.
- No one gets my humour.
- I hate college.
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| Cultural Stereotypes.... YES please. |
[25 Jun 2005|06:53pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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music |
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The Pogues |
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Alright I am
- 3/4 Irish
- 1/4 Native American
So -
- I love drinking!
- Dancing
- Swearing
- Being Witty
(and possibly owning a casino)
what cultural stereotypes do you fit?
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| jacked from kait |
[25 Jun 2005|05:44pm] |
You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart.
Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people.
You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile.
You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker.
You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side.
Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches. |
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| Chikafila ...all over your body. |
[23 Jun 2005|02:00am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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TODAY WAS ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF SUMMER YET!!!!!! HELL YEA!
HEY !! I made a video-thing, im me so i can send it to you.
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[20 Jun 2005|10:50pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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Father's Day was an interesting day.
- Went to West Virginia (i saw Shepard, Kait)
- Went to my gradfather's house in West Virginia, he is really old and couldn't talk much but it was nice to see him, he one of the only members of my family i actually like.
- His wife (my step-grandmother) gave most of his books to Shepard when they moved, but he still has some left, mostly philosophy books (he taught philosophy at the University of Florida). He let me take as much books as I want for his library, I got so many good books and a preseant for Carmen from his library.
- When I came home, I slept for a while, and then Bobby came over.
- He got me a gift from the outerbanks.
- We drank some wine and did the usual things.
- I made him watch Kinsey, he liked it I think *a little too much if ya know what i mean*
- My parents thought bobby was pretty drunk..i don't even know how they knew and he wasn't, just the normal bobby (He's always a little bit tipsy), but they weren't mad or anything they were really cool and we're just like, "Sleep over". So Bobby spent sunday night at my house, it was nice we hung out in my room until 2:30 or so, and then he went to go sleep on the couch in a little bed i had made up for him.
Today was interesting as well.
- Waking up this morning was brillant, I came downstairs and Bobby was already up and talking to my dad about music. I kissed him (i had already brushed my teeth) and we ate breakfast together. I thought he was going to leave so i went up stairs to get him his stuff that he left in my room, but we ended up having a session and such and spooning in the morning until 12, when we went out to eat at Pepe's.
- After he dropped me off I went right to bed and didn't wake up until 4-4:30. I spent my whole day recovering from him ;)
- I watched "Normal" and the daily show with conor after we had eaten dinner and gone to the library and giant.
- I had a talk with my fav. blonde fonze (Eddie) about Peru. I told Eddie he has to help me talk and seem interesting and smart around Bobby and he has to help me to get Bobby to talk in depth about something. He was glad to step up to the challenge so he is coming over tommorow evening and is going to see Batman with us. He is even going to cut karate to do so.Bobby said "sure" to seeing batman tommorow night, so i hope he realizes that means cutting karate, but so is Eddie, so it's like peer pressure...ooo i feel bad about it though. HEY GUYS Batman ...7'o clock in Columbia or be at my house around 6-6:30.
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[18 Jun 2005|01:37pm] |
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j/k. i am going with conor at 2, if anyone wants to come then, come to my house then.
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| Father's Day Shopping at Columbia Mall |
[18 Jun 2005|01:16pm] |
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Hey, if ya wanna come father's day shopping, I am trying to round up a posse, meet at my house around 3. Leave a comment if you think you can make it.
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| Shadows and Tall Trees |
[18 Jun 2005|04:32am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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Lolita |
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Well, I haven't been up this late in a while. *sigh* I am thinking about what I might get up to today/tommorow. I am going to buy a father's day presant and I always want to go swimming (i know a lot of my mates need rest...its ok I am thinking of going by myself or with Adam) after shopping. The summer seems to be going by fast, but slow at the same time, the days themselves go by fast, like today when evening crept up on us, but it is still only just June 18.
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[17 Jun 2005|11:51pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs |
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THANK YOU SOO MUCH to Carmen and Conor for being my MVA buddies today. We were at the MVA in Glen Burnie for 5 hours total today, it was long, but not as long as it could have been. Thanks homies. I was so inspired by the MVA and my five hourse there to write a play for stage of screen about the MVA, in a sort of Melvin Goes To Dinner style. I already have some good ideas. One of them is to have two 20 something college students who go to different schools but grew up around the same MVA area (so they are strangers in short) playing a word game with the letters MVA and DMV, making little negative phrases with it. So like My Ventricles Ache or Dirty Mexican Voters, etc. so it will just pan back to them during scene changes or whatever. Come up with some if ya want and post'm. After MVA, we celebrated with Applebees (i even got desert) and then Carmen and I went to the GoodWill in Pikesville. Where I bought the best thing in the WORLD!!! (for 3 dollars) Its a Wayne's World VCR Board Game... and it has all the pieces!!!! and the tape works. We even played it with Conor and her friend Heather. KICK ASS! IT PWNS. Now I am going to eat some tots and watch The Woodsman or Kinsey. I have seen Kinsey before, so probably The Woodsman, don't worry a movie review is coming out soon for the month of June/late May I guess.
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